Satyam's Ten Point Plan To Boost Employee Confidence
Satyam has unveiled a rescue package for its associates, the terms of which are detailed below. Like Satyam's notional cash pile, here is a fictional story on how Satyam can encounter this crisis and restore confidence of the Associates.
1. Satyam will launch Satyam-PWC Centre of Creative Accounting & Management (SCAM)
This Centre will be headed by Srinivas Vadlamani. Satyam Associates can enrol in this SCAM and develop their creative accounting skills. SCAM will impart best practises by benchmarking with other world class firms like Enron and Worldcom. People who know US-GAAP and other accounting standards need not apply as you are over qualified. Your skills will be put to full use during quarter close and year-end. Placement is assured in one of the Satyam group companies like Maytas, Samtay, Tamasy, Tasmay etc.
2. Satyam-ISB Centre for Corporate Misgovernance (SICC)
Under the stewardship of M Rammohan Rao, Satyam will establish this centre to groom the next generation of Directors who can fill the Board positions in Satyam group and also aspire for similar position in many other tainted companies in India. We will also teach you how to draft your own resignation letter before resigning from the board.
3. All associates will be offered a chance to throw shoes at Ramalinga Raju like what happened to Bush recently.
4. All Associates will be given stock under the Employee Shock Option Plan (E-Shock). Before future confessions, Ramalinga Raju will update the E-Shock holders in advance so that they can sell their shares before the stock crashes.
5. All Associates will be provided company Memorabilia like T-shirts, caps, key chains, coffee mugs etc. to be sold on Ebay. The right moment to sell these items would be around the time we announce our bankruptcy.
6. Employees who nod their heads well will be appointed to the Board and will be paid Rs. 12 Lakhs per annum. The best such nodder will be paid upto Rs. 1 crore per annum. Such directors need to maintain silence at the Board meetings. The only word they are allowed to say is YES. Although you will be called independent directors, you'll have to depend on Raju & Co. for everything.
7. Life long supply of Hyderabad Biriyani to tide over the crisis. All associates will get Free tickets to FIFA world cup 2010 & 2014 for which Satyam is the co-sponsor.
Satyam is also contemplating the acquisition of Tamilnadu government-owned TASMAC as the name closely resembles the names of Satyam and Maytas. If this deal goes through, you'll be assured of free supply of liquor. We have engaged the services of domestic investment bank JP Murugan to assist us in this strategic acquisition.
8. For Satyam Associates who are dis-associated (laid off), you'll be offered agricultural land under the possession of Maytas so that you can be self-associated (Self-Employed). Some of the land documents might be forged and Satyam, Maytas or the Raju family will not take any responsibility for the genuineness or otherwise of these land documents.
8. Satyam will float a new website called www.SatyamCVs.com where employees can apply for outside jobs. Instead of the associates posting their CVs on other third party websites like Naukri and Monster, associates can now post their CVs directly on this site. This site will only accept CVs from Satyam associates. The front page of this site will contain a ticker showing the number of CVs in the site. This will give an assurance to the outside world that we do have the 53000 employees stated in our financial reports. Our interim CEO Ram Mynampati just inaugurated this job site by uploading his CV. Our HR team will be able to assist if you have any queries or doubts about this site. While showing projects that you have worked on, you are free to choose from any of the 500 Fortune 500 companies as our audited accounts shows that all of them are our customers. Please accomodate if the site is slow as we are experiencing huge traffic on this site. Even our HR people (who are normally quite free) are very busy updating their CV's on this site.
9. All our candidates for whom we have offered campus placements are required to report to work immediately. They will be accomodated in the new shiny benches bought for this purpose. These benches are located outside the office building. We felt this is best way out as we have decided to switch off the Air-conditioning inside the premises to cut costs. All the new joinees should come with a Cash deposit (in lieu of the bond) of Rs. 2 lakhs each. Satyam intends to use this money to tide over the working capital crisis. Once you come onboard, we will try to send you on onsite project where you can recover your Rs. 2 lakh deposit within a short period.
10. Since some of our cheques are bouncing, we will now be handing over the salaries in cash instead of cheques. Associates are required to count and verify the genuineness of the cash before leaving the office premises. No future claims will be entertained.